It all started with a response to a question I had asked on Facebook. This was the response:
“Perhaps it would serve you, instead of asking questions, to have a deep and quiet look inside of yourself first. Often we know or can see more than we first think.”
I can’t tell you how many times during the last few years I’ve heard people say ‘look within, the answers are always there.’
“The guide is not outside, the guide is within you. One has to go deeper into one’s own being to find the guide. Once the guide is found, you have found the master within yourself.”Osho
By god, I even point people in my coaching to the fact that they have the answers they are seeking; that I can’t possibly have the answer for them.
And I got it. On an intellectual level.
But yesterday a reshuffling occurred. I heard the words deeply and something I’m not sure I can explain yet, happened.
It was like a key had been found for an old rusty padlock and it popped open.
When the door opened I was hit by a wall of emotion.
I was walking the dog through the lanes and my breath was taken away. Tears sprung from my eyes and it felt like the air had been extracted from my lungs; I couldn’t breathe properly. It felt as though a boa constrictor was wrapped around my upper chest.
As I stayed present to the sensations in the body (rather than pushing them away and distracting myself) a realisation dawned…
I didn’t trust that I had the answers.
Past beliefs and behaviours
What followed was a replay of past behaviour.
I remembered being at school and never asking questions for fear of looking stupid.
I sat quietly hoping that nobody would notice me; that nobody would ask me a question (that I wouldn’t know the answer for – or so I thought) or pay me any attention. If that happened I’d blush and become even more self conscious.
But over the last few years I’ve grown. I’ve seen how helpful it is to ask questions; both for myself and others. I’ve asked the questions that I know others must have, but are too scared to ask (like I was). I’ve become more curious; questioning lots of things rather than taking things at face value. It’s the gift that the understanding of the Three Principles has given me.
Stop, get quiet…and listen
But what I hadn’t seen until yesterday was that I still never stopped and listened within for the answers. I might have thought I did, but I know, from my reaction yesterday, that I never honestly have.
Well that became very clear yesterday too.
I’ve lived believing that others are better than me; that I’m stupid in some way and I don’t know anything. This relates back to the Facebook post I wrote about the game, Mastermind:
And why on earth would I trust that ‘me’ if I believed that it was stupid, incapable and not as good as other people? Of course I would seek answers from ‘out there’ because ‘in here’ is wholly useless.
I’ve known what the spiritual teachers have been pointing to when they say ‘go within’. They are pointing to our true nature. Consciousness, awareness, aliveness, life, god, Mind; that which has to be present first, before an ‘I’ can exist.
So what now?
Well another layer of belief has been unveiled. Another dink has been made in the armour of the idea of who I am.
Going forward I will notice the acquired habit of seeking answers outside of myself. And then I’ll deliberately ‘go in’ before I ‘go out’.
Beneath the idea that I’m not good enough, that I’m stupid, that I don’t know the answers, is incredible infinite intelligence and the answer to every question.
And what do I mean by that?
Well that without the belief/thoughts that I’m not good enough, that I’m stupid etc etc, is Being.
It’s peaceful, loving and expansive and my experience tells me that it’s where ease, effortless doing, happiness and freedom lie. It’s also where problems no longer look like problems and questions no longer need answering because the answer is obvious, and action is happening.
Who knows what will happen as a consequence of this insight but I feel lighter having had it!
If what I’ve shared has sparked some curiosity, then get in touch. I’d love to have a conversation that might just facilitate a similar insight for you. You can book a call with me here.