After a deep realisation I’ve written this piece as an invitation for you to play with the possibility that it’s OK to be ‘you’! That nothing needs to change, and you don’t need to be like anyone else. I’ve heard so many people say that over the years and today it hit me like a tonne of bricks!
I feel like a lightbulb has just gone on. The moment that insight strikes is often that way for me; a sense of lightening, or revelation, or ‘rightness,’ or truth. A feeling of another piece of the puzzle slotting into place.
I’ve just come off a call with Debra Simmonds whose beautiful energy allowed me to see what had unto that point been unseen; such is the power of coaching and being lovingly held in a space of exploration.
What was the revelation?
It’s OK to be ‘me’!
That it’s OK to be sensitive; it’s OK to be me.
Pretty ordinary yet I can feel the shocks through the system as this settles into place.
For as long as I can remember I’ve been in the ‘background’. For a long time I considered myself ‘invisible’. And I’ve always felt that I’m not reaching my ‘true potential’, what I was put on this planet for.
Since the age of 8 I’ve known I would change the world. It sounded grand even back then, and I had no idea how, but I knew I would! Every decision, every job, every action has been aligned to that knowing (without me really knowing that until I look at it now).
However, I’ve looked at myself, and my behaviours and actions, and judged them as ‘less than’, as ‘not enough’.
I’ve thought that to change the world I would need to step up, be heard, be brash, be bold and that being quiet and in the background was quite simply, pathetic.
I’ve pushed myself endlessly to do the things I don’t want to do, in part to prove I can, but in large part to train myself towards what I thought I ‘should’ be.
Pushing myself to be what ‘I’m not’ has led to a sense of unease…
I’ve lived in a state of underlying anxiety.
Even, if I’m honest, since discovering the Three Principles and non-duality which have absolutely transformed my relationship with stress and anxiety.
It’s still been there.
Waking me up at night.
Quietly reminding me that something was not quite seen; not acknowledged.
And I’ve been curious and open to see what that was…
Today I saw it. So clearly.
I never accepted myself
I’ve not accepted myself; I’ve ignored my wants and desires believing them to be ‘less than’ or ‘not good enough’.
I’ve pushed myself. Hard.
When Debra talked about loving speaking on stage I knew immediately that I did not, yet I have pushed myself to do it on numerous occasions.
Why? Because I thought it was what I ‘should’ do in order to become something; in order to have a successful business and to be an effective and respected entrepreneur.
And now I finally see the truth…
I realised that, years ago, when I somehow acquired the job of PA to the Chair and Chief Executive of a large government body (with zero similar experience), I witnessed the hierarchy of such an organisation and put myself ‘below’ others. Yet I now clearly see that without me, those people in the front-facing positions could never have done their job; they could never have been free enough to deliver what they needed to deliver; to step up how they needed to, or to have the power required to run such an organisation.
But I judged this job as insignificant, I judged myself as ‘less than’ others, I judged myself as ‘selling out’, as not fulfilling my abilities.
What did I really want?
The truth is, I never wanted to be the person running the organisation, I never desired to be on stage giving speeches; yet I thought it was by being that person that I would gain respect and be ‘seen’. I would finally be a success.
So it leaves me with this…
Can I love myself, respect myself, acknowledge myself for the unique talents and skills I DO have; for the things I do love to do, which is to support others?
It’s a new possibility to me.
It feels incredible.
Can I be the best invisible, most sensitive coach in the world and love myself?
Can I be sensitive AND change the world?
Can supporting others to become the best at what they do, at their unique talents and skills, be enough?
Can supporting others to change the world be enough?
Rather than striving to be like them, can I just be like me?
Can I forgive myself for judging myself as ‘less than’ because I’m not like other people?
Can I give myself the space to just be, as I am?
For the first time in my life, I have a sense that the answer to all these questions is ‘yes’.
I love this revelation and can totally agree. I agree with you and the fact that you are most certainly okay. More than okay in fact because without all those qualities you wouldn’t be Vicki and that’s the Vicki I love. I also agree because I too am okay. someone bought me a bunch of flowers the other day, a total stranger who follows my work. She said I had helped her years ago in an email when she reached out to me and now she wanted to repay me in some way as I was feeling ill and rather rubbish. There I was thinking nothing mattered and I’d not made a difference. Nope, turns out I’ve being doing it right all along and what’s more, it’s effortless!
Hi Rebecca! Oh lovely. What a brilliant reminder for you that your mind can never be trusted! And how lovely to receive some flowers…remembering that even without them, and even when the mind is telling you that what you do is not making a difference, you are OK. xxx
Cool! This is a helpful read – don’t even know why.Possibly because I too have this sense of ‘striving’ to ‘be more’ and that being me is somehow not enough. I realise I don’t always feel like that, not in domestic life or friendships – more so when it comes to ‘being seen as successful’ job, career, earning money wise. So that in itself is interesting – especially when you say can you be a coach and make a big impact whilst still being sensitive and not wanting to be on the big stage. I’m sure the answer to that is yes! So many people do such good work without being front and centre of attention. Love your questions. Will sit with some of them myself. Thanks Vicki
Hi Katy, thank you for your lovely comment. I’m wondering where you go to with the questions..?
Hi Vicki, just read your post and so resonates with me. You are an HSP highly sensitive person, like me, and like me you have compered yourself to others and found yourself lacking. We all have a sensitive little child inside us with a sensitive nervous system, she needs to feel safe and nurtured, so we have to take account of her needs. Sadly society does not value sensitivity , and only fame and money. It is really hard to accept yourself I still struggle with it, but this is my life’s work and I will get there , like you..
love Jan xx
Hello lovely Jan. Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it. I think what I’m seeing, and what I would point you towards, is that I am not highly sensitive. I experience times when I am sensitive and times when I am not. But I am not that. You and I are way more than that – which is ultimately a label. What are we beyond that label…that’s the interesting place to look. xx