Today the dark and oh-so-familiar cloud of self-doubt has been hovering over me. Rather than reach for my ‘usual’ approach I’ve found myself finding freedom by feeling it all.
It wasn’t a ‘good’ sign when I woke shortly after falling asleep feeling full of doom. Several wakings and lots of tossing and turning later it was 3am, the witching hour, and my mind went into overdrive.
This is nothing out of the ordinary. I don’t sleep well. If you’ve been following my blogs or have worked with me you’ll know this already.
Interestingly, discovering the Three Principles (what I share here at Free From Limits and through my coaching) provided a degree of peace with this fact. Rather than lie awake for hours worrying about not sleeping I tend to wake regularly then return back to sleep without too much bother.
Last night was the culmination of weeks of waking up with ever-increasing feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt; of confusion and uncertainty.
This morning Wisdom led me to face the feelings rather than run from them.
I’ve always run from them, or at least that’s the way it feels.
And I’m tired; tired of running away and expending more and more energy to keep the feelings in a box, hidden away from view.
It seemed my only response today was to feel the feelings…
Feeling the feelings that our minds deem to be ‘bad’ is never comfortable. It’s why we try everything we can to avoid them.
We eat chocolate, go for a run or walk, make a cup of tea, go in the garden, plunge ourselves into work. Whatever our form of ‘numbing’ might be (shopping, drinking, eating to excess…you name it) we do it so as not to feel those uncomfortable feelings.
The only issue is that the feelings keep returning.
With my current understanding, feeling, accepting and loving all the feelings looks to be the way to heal.
Lots of tears
And for me this morning, feeling the feelings meant lots of tears. Who knew that the intelligence of the body has a system for releasing stored up pain from thought believed?! If you’d like to read about the benefits of crying check out this article – it’s amazing!
It seems to me that as humans we are designed to feel – that seems like an obvious statement. But how many of us truly accept that?
In allowing the feelings, rather than running to distract myself from them, in a few hours they had dissipated.
As I sit here now, I feel tired but at peace.
Feeling the feelings allowed me to see so many beliefs that I’ve acquired – that it’s not OK to cry, that I need to be strong, that being emotional is vulnerable and people might judge me… On and on. So much stuff brought into the light by the mere act of allowing.
And who knows what happens next? I can see my days of running are numbered, leaving me with no apparent option than to feel and allow all emotions. This is what makes sense to me today. Who knows what will make sense to me tomorrow?
And that’s the wonder and joy of being human. Knowing that emotions and moods are tied into thought; and knowing that thought is forever changing, allows me to get more comfortable with feeling and having it all. The full rainbow of emotions. Knowing that however dark and uncomfortable they might be, they will always pass.
A note from the following day
I wrote this yesterday. Reading it now, there is a peaceful sense of calm.
When I wrote this it was after hours of crying and of talking and writing. What’s interesting to me is that I can see that I knew exactly what to do.
I knew to write what was in my mind. I knew to reach out to a dear friend and fellow coach for help and support. I knew to cry.
I didn’t do any of it.
In my pain I experienced the aliveness that I truly am (intelligence behind life, Divine Spirit, Source, Universe, God – whatever you want to call it). The thing that is always there, steady, unbreakable. The thing that has to be there for experience to happen. The thing that always has to be present for ‘me’ to exist. And that always knows what to do. Just like the acorn knows to grow into an oak tree…
The thing that words cannot explain, that limited minds cannot grasp or understand, exists before thought. And the closest it seems we can get to it is by being in the body; with the feelings and sensations. Not fighting them.
I’d love to know what you think. Feel free to email me or leave a comment below. Alternatively, if you’re curious about what I shared you can set up a free 30 minute exploratory call.
An inspirational hoodie
These days when I write a blog I’m inspired to create a hoodie design that reflects it. So todays hoodie says ‘every feeling is valid.’
You can buy it here:
‘All Feelings Are Valid’ Unisex Inspirational Hoodie (Organic, Fairtrade)
This hoodie design was inspired by a day of darkness when the feelings of self-doubt threatened to overwhelm me.
Rather than run from the feelings I decided to really feel them.
Understanding that all feelings are valid; that none need to be judged as ‘better’ or ‘worse’ leads to healing and freedom.
Read freedom by feeling it all; the blog that inspired this hoodie for a deeper understanding of why all feelings are valid.