For many years I searched for who I was; for the meaning behind life. Then in 2018 I discovered an explanation of life that allowed me to understand my true self. So I thought I’d share what I’m currently seeing about this.
This weekend I was hijacked. Hijacked by my thoughts. It wasn’t pretty and it felt dreadful. There was sadness and tears, stirred around with anxiety and frustration.
My thoughts looked like this:
“I’m useless at everything; so I may as well not get out of bed”
“I’m sick of this pandemic; everything is so depressing. I’m depressed”
“I am miserable”
“I’m unlikeable; nobody likes me”
And on and on and on…
While I associated with them; payed them attention and took them seriously I was in the trap. I was in a rabbit hole with no escape. My heart raced, I didn’t sleep, I cried and felt tight and unhappy.
But there was a tiny glimmer of hope because I knew deep down, underneath the noise in my head, that I wasn’t any of those things.
Thoughts & Labels
All of those things that my thoughts were telling me were labels that I’d picked up along the path of living.
I knew that as a baby or small child I wasn’t any of those things. I didn’t know what those things were so how could I be them?
As I grew older I learnt how to speak. I learnt what words meant and I attached the words to things, emotions, experiences, myself and more.
I associated the winter with feeling sad and work with causing anxiety.
But none of it was true. Just a misunderstanding. A labelling of things to make sense of the world.
At the weekend I could see what was happening.
As I associated with the thoughts flying through my head I felt them. No wonder I felt so miserable.
But then I remembered that I wasn’t any of those things.
So who am I?
Experiences change; emotions change; thoughts change…so how can I be any of those things? How can I be sad when I’m not sad all the time?
There is something when we look that remains constant. That has always been there.
There is a part of us that feels the same as we did when we were six and yet we look completely different. Our body is different but there is something that is the same.
We aren’t our body.
We are not our thoughts.
We aren’t our experiences.
We are that which witnesses all of those things. We are the awareness of all of it.
So back to the question of who am I?
The answer is…I Am.
Now doesn’t that feel true?